It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

I'm 44. I'm not pregnant. This should be a good thing, right?

Generally, I like being a woman. I'm living in an age where the rights of women are no longer questioned, where our voice is heard, where it's expected we can travel through life with the same ease and power of men.

In theory.

My period started yesterday. Periods, just in case you weren't aware, suck. If you're a woman and you're not aware of this, then woo-freaking-hoo for your good luck. For the rest of us there's cramping, chocolate craving, fluid retention, sore breasts and a need for alcohol that borders on abuse.

Oh, yeah, abuse. Let us not forget the insane need to yell at stupid people because they posted a stupid update on stupid Facebook.

Really, it's so unfair. I'm 44. I'm not having any more children. I know that, you know, my husband's sliced and diced testicles know that. So, why should I have to suffer through periods? There should be a point where you can 'opt out'. I don't mean menopause. That's a whole different kettle of trauma. I'm just suggesting a way that women of a certain age can choose to turn off the period hormone without side effects. I tried the Mirena implant and went from basic depression and anger during PMS to full on despair and fury during both PMS AND ovulation.

The other thing about it is the uncertainty. My husband has had a vasectomy, so no more little Battersbys for us. Again, that's the theory. My first husband also had the snip. Twice. Yeah, ask us about Blake. Yes, as happy accidents go, he's the best, but I can tell you, one post-vasectomy pregnancy and you never trust the op again. It's been a year since Lee's vasectomy. If my period is more than 5 minutes late I'm down the doctor demanding a pregnancy test.

Which brings me full circle. I'm 44. I'm getting older and my cycle is changing. Menopause is closing in and I'm getting later and later each month. Paranoia is growing and my family bites their nails to the quick as I wait for those telltale first spots each month. I just wish we could opt-out and do away with periods all together*. Then the world, for women, really would be a better place.

*Yes, I have read Connie Willis' "Even the Queen". Sounds like Utopia to me.